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I was recently invited to speak at the Women of Wisdom group in Clark County, Oregon, a support group sponsored by Quest in Portland, an agency for women who are HIV-positive. “How do I say no to sex and save face without losing respect for myself? If you get hurt or are in trouble, it makes it harder to be a good mother or friend or parent or worker or even just a human being. The HIV positive partners who were undetectable and had condomless sex did not infect their partners.

They asked me to talk about sex and dating when you’re an HIV-positive woman. And then I reminded them of something that I feared might become an issue during our time together – the “I got HIV the good way and she got HIV the bad way” pecking order game that no one wins. This is achieved through consistent, daily use of a person’s HIV medication.

When the grim spectre of Aids first reared its head in the 1980s, the killer virus was soon dubbed by some as the ‘gay plague’.

But thirty years later, for the first time ever, more than half of new cases in Brighton and Hove are being caught through heterosexual sex.

Caroline Lovett, head of clinical services at AIDS charity Sussex Beacon, said many heterosexual older men had no idea they were so at risk.

She said: “There’s still a perception that this is only a gay issue.

Since I am not personally HIV-positive, I was concerned at first about my ability to speak to the topic. To date, not one person with an undetectable viral load has transmitted the virus.

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Now, health experts are urging both gay and straight people of all ages to visit free clinics across the city to be screened for HIV.I started our discussion by asking that we put the “Four Agreements” in place to keep us on track. Viral load spikes have been known to occur in between regular check ups, so you can never be sure if you are undetectable for certain. Then I dove right into the questions that the women had given to me ahead of time. If someone makes you feel unsafe or unsure or uncomfortable or anything, you have a right and a responsibility to say no and to walk away. “How do I date without having to constantly explain myself? The trick is to practice saying it and not to be attached to a certain result when it comes to how what you have to say is received. ” A two-year study was done with serodiscordant heterosexual and homosexual couples. I had chosen the single life since my diagnosis five years ago.But now I feel ready to start dating again and would love to find a partner that I can maybe share a future with.

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